So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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