I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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