She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
