you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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