If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
