You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
