i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
