I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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