dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
