You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just pynch a tree in the face
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
