remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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