there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
