how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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