I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
