The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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