he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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