11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
