I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
