I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
