So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
