Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
