Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
