I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You took a bar mat shot.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize