no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
