I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
