I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
We named our party play list daddy issues
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
How's work?
Spinning.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize