In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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