I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
