I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
