My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
