i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
