the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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