So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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