I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize