we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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