Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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