There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize