Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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