I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
