He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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