the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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