Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
