i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
