it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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