Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
