32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
