Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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