Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
