dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize