seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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