Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
