omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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