I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
