When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
