the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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