exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
