I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
