This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you didnt know i had herpes?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
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