i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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