Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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