I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
it's like heaven, but drunker
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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