If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize